The Night of Pan

"The Night of Pan is the mystical state which is experienced during the crossing of the Abyss in the Crowlean system of magick." -Brian Butler

It was made in only 2 days in L.A. and inspired from Grandmother stories involving Paradise Lost. It is a bit of deja vu for me since I have written a story similar to this, but all the more encouraging for me to see this movie immediately. Vincent Gallo is in the cast... I love him, he is terrifying and super strange.

Unconditional love

"You could murder Ward and pee all over Cauzmo, and read my journal to the Strokes and you would still be my best friend."
-Letter written to Chelsea 2 years ago.

Dancing with the devil

It's going to hurt
You're going to struggle
But if you want to breath again
It has to be now or kiss everything good-bye

Get up off the ground
Turn off that imaginary jazz
That makes you dance with the devil
Remember you got to return to life
and your family cannot live with you
They don't want you dancing with the devil
Are you tired yet?

It sounds so good
Probably feels even better
Moving won't help, you're just running away
Life is not boring
It's probably you that's boring
Why else are you making phone calls to Diablo?

Remember you won't be forgotten
Oh, it better to make memories
instead of living in them
Did the devil teach you that?

Attention Deficit Disorder

"Everyone here will die in 100 years
Voluntary or not
It's not right to settle-
Fuck no! Don't conform"....////so live your life!

Sometimes you can't hide from it.





I'm 21, living in San Francisco, and I still haven't gone to the Mint for karaoke!! Everyone knows that's my talent!




Why, oh my, curiosity killed the pussy cat.

Can't. Do. Essays.
Must.
Do.
Leisure.

SF working men

San Francisco Chronicle reports on things that matter to me. This dude is from San Diego, but he looks Swedish.

Please buy our city's newspaper! Don't let internet kill the journalist star! This is the basis of Citizen Kane, it goes down in newspaper history, we cannot let this gem of San Francisco die!!! Please please please save the newspaper! Subscribe.

Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.

Robin and I watched Virgin Suicides last night. I watched that movie over and over and over when I was 12 and 13. I thought the dialogue was wonderful and the music, by Air, was tremendous. I thought everything was a drag back then too, so I always saw myself as Cecilia...I was kind of dramatic. Also, the neighborhood was EXACTLY like the neighborhood I lived in, in Cincinnati, Ohio. My opinion has stayed the same, I still enjoy it, but after watching it, I still get a bit mopey. At least I don't relate myself to one of the girls, anymore, like Mary or Lux. So was Robin, I'm pretty sure he went home and slept for 15 hours. I also like that Sophia Coppola kept the script close to the novel, written by Jeffrey Eugenides. Here's why:

"What lingered after them was not life, but the most trivial list of mundane facts: a clock ticking on a wall, a room dim at noon, and the outrageousness of a human being thinking only of herself. "









"We would never be sure of the sequence of events. We argue about it still. "




"When she jumped, she probably thought she could fly."

Last day of Paris

Sunday, December 6, 2009. Coffee and rain showers with Peony!


Like in high school, we act like we read.

Between grief and nothing, I will take grief

Back in San Francisco, jet lagged, miserable, and je veux revenier Paris maintenant. Anyways, there are more downs than pluses in life, but that's why there are so many fascinating novels in the world...I'm thinking it'd be nice to write one as well, just for me to read.

A Confederacy of Dunces

by John Kennedy Toole; an even better read the second time around.

Du Minuit

Nighttime is my company. As lonely of a time it is, I feel completely fulfilled.

With fear of the unknown comes satisfaction of making a suspenseful journey.


At night you feel lost, but searching for answers makes you far more wise than knowing the answer at hand.

Monsters run wild, and probably these monsters are friends instead of foes. The real monster foes exist in the daytime, but the light creates trust and safety in nearly every individual.


Day, I found a new you. I am lost and bare, but please don't remove me from my one dark love.



Doutzen Kroes in W magazine August 2007